Extraordinary Tuesday: Two For Tuesday

Welcome to "Two For Tuesday" a new post every Tuesday for us Extraordinary Mothers on how we deal and cope with motherhood, the pains, angst's, joys, and triumphs. As a mother of twins and a singleton I know all too well the "two" sides to each coin, our children and ourselves and how to find answers and balance. So this week I wanted to focus on the hardest request any mother, woman, and or person can ever make in their life, especially as a new mom or mother period. The request for help. I bring up help because when I had my twins in 2008 I did not totally grasp the idea for help, nor was I aware of the level of help I really needed.

Help has been seen as a weakness. An inability to complete or conduct a task on his and or her own so we ask for assistance, help, we send an S.O.S. But help does not mean we are defeated, weak, or any less of a person, help only means we need just that. Help. We need another person to complete or conduct the task, think of help as teamwork.

New moms, experienced moms, moms on their 18th child still need help. However, realizing and knowing when to ask for help is crucial. As a mother we think we can do the job with no problem; feedings, change diapers, nap time, rinse and repeat. No one warns us about the day when our child is inconsolable. No one warns us about the days when we have a newborn child with a toddler, someone is screaming, blood is dripping, macaroni is burning, what do we do, who do we call if home alone. We as mothers need, and I do stress need, to be able to determine our threshold of manageability with our families, our children, our personal lives as a woman and a mother.

Recognizing your own needs as a woman, mother, wife, girlfriend are crucial. Just as your new baby, family, husband, friends, boyfriend, etc have needs to be met, well women and mothers have needs too. The need to take a shower and feel clean and refreshed. The need to take a nap when you feel sleep deprived. The need for a time-out when you feel like you will lose your ever living mind, because no one told you what else to do when your child is inconsolable. By recognizing your needs you can also tell others what you need if they offer help.

If your mother, mother-in-law, grandmother, neighbor, husband, friend, whomever, if these individuals offer help, TAKE IT! Delegate. Seriously, delegate where you need the help, if they are offering tell them your needs, what needs of yours have to be met. Even as simple as the offered person staying at your house for thirty minutes so you can walk around the block, alone, for some fresh air. Do it. Those who are offering help should not be offering help with restrictions, otherwise they truly are of no help to you, but merely want to tell you where they think you need help, they want to tell you your needs. No one can determine your needs except so, so set that boundary. Do not be afraid to ask for help.

Personally I fought with help. I can do it. I have always done everything on my own, I do not need anyone's help. I proudly ate those words when I was 33 weeks pregnant with my twins. I could no longer push a simple grocery cart because the inertia needed to push a shopping cart was beyond my means. My husband was at work and traveling so I could not ask him for help. I asked my mother. At the time I asked her, she and I were on the outs in our relationship, not speaking at all. We barely spoke at the holidays. I ate crow and asked that she come shopping because I needed help. My knees buckled, I felt weak, but the only weakness was my pride breaking.

I asked for more help as well as I traveled through the remaining three weeks of my pregnancy. I finally learned to ask my husband for help. Rather than assuming he knew what I needed and dammit I needed help right then and there, the buffoon, I learned to say and ask for help. I asked him to help with meals, baths, bed-times, bottle makings after I finally couldn't breastfeed tandem after ten months, I need to be able to get out of the house. I needed help with making bottles because I needed a break. I had needs, and so I asked for help. I needed help with our oldest who also had needs. I began to see more and more what my needs were and are as a mother, a woman, a person.

Next time you are feeling at your wits end, you feel like your mental dam is going to burst because your Wonder Woman cape is beginning to lose her strength, call for your Superman, call a friend, neighbor you trust, family, or call a service to have your needs met when you need help. Help just means we cannot do it all by ourselves, and that is okay. You are helping yourself, your children, and your family by asking for help, you will feel much happier knowing tasks are being completed based on help and in the meantime you might be able to have time to yourself and relieve your stress.

"The gods help them that help themselves." - Aesop